I find myself thinking of Patrick Kearney whenever the temporary peace of a retreat vanishes and the mundane weight of emails, dishes, and daily stress demands my focus. The time is 2:07 a.m., and the silence in the house is heavy. I can hear the constant hum of the refrigerator and the intrusive ticking of the clock. The cold tiles beneath my feet surprise me, and I become aware of the subtle tightness in my shoulders, a sign of the stress I've been holding since morning. The memory of Patrick Kearney surfaces not because I am on the cushion, but because I am standing in the middle of an unmeditative moment. There are no formal structures here—no meditation bell, no carefully arranged seat. It is just me, caught between presence and distraction.
The Unromantic Discipline of Real Life
I used to view retreats as the benchmark of success, where the cycle of formal meditation and silent movement felt like true achievement. Even the discomfort feels clean. Organized. I come home from those places buzzing, light, convinced I’ve cracked something. Then real life starts again. Laundry. Inbox. Someone talking to me while I’m already planning my reply. It is in this awkward, unglamorous space that the lessons of Patrick Kearney become most relevant to my mind.
A coffee-stained mug sits in the sink, a task I delayed earlier today. "Later" has arrived, and I find myself philosophizing about awareness rather than simply washing the dish. I see the procrastination, and then I see the ego's attempt to give this mundane event a profound meaning. I’m tired. Not dramatic tired. Just that dull heaviness behind the eyes. The kind that makes shortcuts sound reasonable.
No Off Switch: Awareness Beyond the Cushion
I remember listening to Patrick Kearney talk once về thực hành bên ngoài các khóa thiền, and it didn’t land as some big insight. Instead, it felt like a subtle irritation—the realization that awareness cannot be turned off. No sacred space exists where the mind is suddenly exempt from the work of presence. That memory floats up while I’m scrolling my phone even though I told myself I wouldn’t. I place the phone face down, only to pick it back up moments later. Discipline, it seems, is a jagged path.
My breath is shallow. I keep forgetting it’s there. Then I remember. Then I forget again. This isn’t serene. It’s clumsy. The body wants to slump. The mind wants to be entertained. Retreat versions of me feel very far away from this version, this version of me in worn-out clothes, distracted by domestic thoughts and trivial worries.
The Unfinished Practice of the Everyday
Earlier tonight I snapped at someone over something small. My mind is obsessing over that moment, as it often does when I am alone in the silence. I feel a tightness in my chest when the memory loops. I don’t fix it. I don’t smooth it over. I just feel it sit there, awkward and unfinished. This moment of difficult awareness feels more significant than any "perfect" meditation I've done in a retreat.
Patrick Kearney, for me, isn’t about intensity. It’s about not outsourcing mindfulness to special conditions. Frankly, this is a hard truth, as it is much easier to be mindful when the world is quiet. The ordinary world offers no such support. Reality continues regardless of your state—it demands your presence even when you are frustrated, bored, or absent-minded. This kind of discipline is silent and unremarkable, yet more info it is far more demanding than formal practice.
I finally rinse the mug. The water’s warm. Steam fogs my glasses a bit. I dry my glasses on my clothes, noticing the faint scent of coffee. These small sensory details seem heightened in the middle of the night. My spine makes a sharp sound as I move; I feel a flash of pain, then a moment of amusement at my own state. My mind attempts to make this a "spiritual moment," but I refuse to engage. Or perhaps I acknowledge it and then simply let it go.
I am not particularly calm or settled, but I am unmistakably here. Torn between the need for a formal framework and the knowledge that I must find my own way. The thought of Patrick Kearney recedes, like a necessary but uninvited reminder of the work ahead, {especially when nothing about this looks like practice at all and yet somehow still is, unfinished, ordinary, happening anyway.|especially when my current reality looks nothing like "meditation," yet is the only practice that matters—flawed, mundane, and ongoing.|particularly now, when none of this feels "spiritual," y